Smell You Later

It's been a while since I posted one of our inane conversations. We still have them. Not as regularly, but we do still have them. Here's one from last night before bed. It's gross but at the time we thought we were pretty funny.

C: (taking a whiff of his armpits after a 30+ degree day) Oh honey, I don't think I'm going to pass the smell test tonight.

S: Well that's unfortunate because today is the day that was selected by the Board of Smellucation for your post-assessment.

C: Post assessment?

S: Yes. We need to measure whether or not your smell has improved since the pre-assessment. It's called Assessment for Hygiene.

C: Oh. When was the pre-assessment?

S: Don't you remember? It was after your last shower.

C: Well this hardly seems fair. What happens if I don't improve?

S: There's an intensive intervention.

C: Intensive intervention? That sounds... intense.

S: Yes. We have to bring in Franklin.

C: Franklin? The turtle?!

S: Of course not. He's a fictional character, C.

C: Oh, yes. Of course. I was being preposterous. So who is this "Franklin" you speak of?

S: He's our Smell Consultant. He's pretty new to the job. He lost his retirement savings in a ponzi scheme and was looking for a second career. When you see him, you should be sure to wish him a happy birthday. He just turned 72.

C: What exactly does a Smell Consultant do?

S: Well, he teaches you how to properly cleanse using a variety of teaching methods and then follows a Release of Responsibility model.

C: This sounds complicated.

S: It's not really. First he will model showering techniques so that you can watch and learn. Then, he will help you practice.

C: Help me?

S: You know, you get to hold the wash cloth but he moves your hands.

C: Uh...

S: Eventually he'll just watch to make sure you do a good job.

C: Just... watch?

S: Yes.

C: I'm not sure I like the sounds of this.

S: Then perhaps you should have focused more on improving your assessment scores. If you fail to prepare, C, be prepared to fail.